What It All Meant
by Pineapple55
Summary: AU. Sessh/Rin not as lovers . Rin is in the hospital. As she lies there, Sesshomaru reflects on how she came to be part of his life and just how much she means to him.


Well, here's another one. Maybe one day I'll start another actual story instead of these damn one-shots.

_Thoughts **Flashbacks**_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Inuyasha

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**What It All Meant**

He stared at the sleeping little girl. She looked so out of place in the hospital. The room was so cold, so bland. She should've been outside playing in the bright sun, not inside with machines hooked up to her. Not again.

_At least she looks peaceful…_

How did all of this happen? Not just the sickness…how did she manage to become part of his everyday life? It happened years ago, it had been so sudden.

_**It had been another boring day at work. He got off at the same time as always. He went home to his apartment, same as always. His cell phone started ringing. He looked at who it was, it was his mother.**_

_**"Hello?" he answered.**_

"_**Sesshomaru!" she cried over the phone. "Sesshomaru! He's hurt! My poor baby, he's hurt…"**_

_**Sesshomaru was on the verge of panicking but he controlled himself.**_

"_**Mother? Mother, calm down. Who's hurt?"**_

"_**Inuyasha is…"**_

_**Sesshomaru was worried now but he didn't let any of it be heard in his voice. "Is he…okay?" Crying was the reply he received. "Mother? Is he okay?"**_

"_**Your brother's dead!" she sobbed.**_

_**After that phone call Sesshomaru immediately drove the two hours to where his brother lived. His mother had told him to go to the hospital. His parents were too hysterical to tell him what happened. One of the doctors had to inform him why his brother was no longer alive. Inuyasha had been driving home from the store. He was going through an intersection when a drunk driver sped and crashed into him. It came from his left side and killed him instantly. The drunk person died shortly after at the scene. Both drivers were dead, however, there had been one more person in Inuyasha's car. That person was the reason he was now at the hospital. Rin, his daughter…**_

Sesshomaru noticed that Rin looked the same now as she did back then in the hospital. Here she was, in this cold sterile building again. She didn't deserve this… When she had been in there the first time over three years ago, it had been to treat the minor injuries from the car crash. Had it really been that long? Three years since his life was forever changed. Three years since an innocent little girl's father was so brutally taken from her. Three years since he learned what to love and to be loved truly meant.

_**He had only been twenty-four when the decision was made. Rin was to live with him. She was only five years old. Before the accident he lived with no one else, he engulfed himself in work, and he had no idea how to raise a child; however, his family thought it best for her to go with him. He never would understand why.**_

_**They were quiet for the majority of the drive back to Sesshomaru's apartment. It was after the funeral and Rin had been silent ever since. She cried when she found out her father was forever gone. She cried every day before the funeral. After witnessing her father's coffin being lowered into the ground though, she ceased to utter a single word or shed a single tear. He didn't know what to say to bring her out of her mute state. What kinds of things does one talk about with a girl who just lost her father? He wasn't doing too well either. It had been his brother in that fatal accident. They were almost to his place when he heard his niece who was in the back seat take a deep breath. His attention shifted to the girl momentarily.**_

"_**What is it?" he asked, expecting no answer. When he heard nothing, he focused back on the road.**_

"_**Why am I living with you now?" she asked after a few minutes of silence. He looked into the rear view mirror to glimpse at her. She was staring back at him, her expression blank.**_

"…_**Because your father is gone."**_

"_**Why?" He felt a strange sting in his chest. Why did she have to ask these questions now? How was he supposed to answer?**_

"_**You know why he is."**_

_**She looked away from him and instead stared out the window. He knew he should have said something different but he wasn't a good comforter. She would just have to learn that in time.**_

_Perhaps I should have learned how to change. Things would have been easier for her young mind to handle._

Hours passed by. He wandered out of the room occasionally but stayed with her most of the time in case she woke up. The constant beeping of the machine she was hooked up to was driving him insane. It was like an explosion going off in his head with every single sound. He sat next to her and took her tiny hand into his own. In three years she had somehow found a way into his icy heart.

_**It had been a little over a year since the tragedy. He had learned to live without his brother. Rin was learning to adjust too. Overall she was a happy child. She was always excited to see him when he came home from work and chattered to him nonstop. Although he didn't show it, he was just as happy to see her too. Of course it wasn't easy at first, but he was slowly learning to adjust. There would be many sleepless nights where he would sit up with the crying, shaking girl. Sometimes he would wake up to the sounds of her sobbing. He'd go into her room and awkwardly hold her while she cried into his chest. They would stay like that for what seemed like an eternity. He would tell himself she needed this, this comfort. She needed someone to be there for her since her father no longer could be.**_

He couldn't admit it back then, but he needed that comfort too. As much as he use to tell himself it was for her, it was just as much for him. He remembered one of these crying episodes in particular. It was different from the rest and it would always stick out in his mind.

_**It was the evening. He had already come home from work and was walking up the stairs of his apartment building to the floor above his. His neighbor and one of his closest friends lived there. When Sesshomaru told her what happened, she offered to watch his niece for him. She knew he worked all the time and would need someone to help. It was the least she could do for the poor man. However, Sesshomaru did change his schedule. He took the weekends off to spend time with the girl. He knocked on his friend's door and she answered.**_

_**"I'm so glad you're here," she told him.**_

_**He raised an eyebrow. "And why is that, Kagura?" he asked but he soon found out. A bawling Rin came running towards him. She clung on to him crying.**_

_**"What's wrong?" he asked. He was pretty sure he already knew though.**_

_**"All the kids were talking about their daddies today," she sobbed. "I told them that mine was gone, and they kept asking questions. They didn't stop. They called me weird for living with you. I miss him!"**_

_**He walked her over to the couch and sat down. She grabbed his shirt and cried into it. He sighed. It must have been hard to lose your father at such a fragile age. He wiped her tears away.**_

_**"He wouldn't want you to be this upset," he murmured quietly. He wasn't any good at talking like this. She looked up at him. "He'd want you to move on."**_

_**"He wouldn't want me to forget!"**_

**_"I didn't say forget. Move on, live your life for you and your father." He knew his brother well. Inuyasha would not have wanted any of his family upset to the point that they couldn't get on with their own lives. "Be strong, don't cry."_**

**_At that she wiped her eyes. She didn't want to be weak in front of Sesshomaru. She had never seen him cry, not even when her father died._**

**_"Sesshomaru?" she asked. "Why didn't you cry when Daddy died?"_**

**_He shifted around a little. Cry? He never cried. And why should he? It's not like his tears would've been able to bring Inuyasha back…_**

**_"I was crying on the inside."_**

**_"Oh." He noticed that her tears were drying. "I won't cry anymore. I want to be strong like you."_**

Sesshomaru chuckled sadly at that memory. Having a heart as cold as ice didn't make you strong, it kept you distant. He never shed any tears; he always kept them bottled in. That's just the way he had always been. He had been trying to raise her like that too. Whenever she would cry, whenever she was upset, he would tell her to "be strong." Telling her that was easier than having to hold her through the pain filled nights. He use to tell himself that he did that because tears were a sign of weakness.

_Yeah right. I did it because I couldn't stand the sight of her being so depressed. It made me upset too._ He looked at the floor with that sudden realization. _Is that really why?_ Who was he kidding, of course it was. Rin did soften him up quite a bit since she started living with him whether he wanted to admit it or not.

_**He started changing his work schedule even more. He got off sooner now. He could afford to take fewer hours and he wanted to be with the little girl. He didn't want her to think that he'd rather be at work than with her. She adored him. He was always surprised with how excited she was to see him when he picked her up from Kagura's. She'd immediately run up to him, hug him, and then chatter away about her day. He'd just smile and listen. Although he'd never say it, he loved having someone to come home to, someone who wanted to be with him. He just hoped that she understood that without him telling her directly. He was always better at expressing his thoughts through actions instead of words.**_

In the three years that passed since Inuyasha's death, Sesshomaru had showed the girl that he cared about her and that he'd do anything to protect her. She knew that. She knew that he was quiet, that he never talked about his feelings, and that he loved her. She returned it. He was the parent figure in her life. He was the one who would always be there for her. And she was the one who showed him that a silly little word like love actually had a meaning.

_She doesn't deserve this._ He stared into the face of the little girl who managed to forever change his life. _She shouldn't be in this bed, in this hospital. No. Why did this happen?!_

He couldn't help but feel angry and a little panicked. He had somehow kept his emotions in tact but he was slowly losing control. He wanted to see that smile. He wanted to look into those big brown eyes. He wanted to hold her tight in his arms. And he wanted to tell her what he actually felt. He wanted to speak to her instead of showing her. His heart nearly stopped when he saw Rin stir. She moved a little bit before her eyelids slowly opened. They revealed tired chocolate-colored orbs. As her eyes tried to focus on her surroundings, they landed on Sesshomaru. She instantly smiled. He wished he hadn't taken it for granted before. He smiled back. He couldn't help but notice though that her smile wasn't nearly as wide as usual.

"Hi, Sesshomaru," she whispered. That was the most she could muster.

"Hey, Rin," he said and smiled. He leaned down so that they were eye level. He realized what she meant to him. He appreciated her and everything she did, her smile, her laugh, her childish ways, and how she was always happy to see him. He didn't want that to end. He wanted to spend many more years with her, raising her and being the constant figure in her life. Wait, wanted? No. He _needed._ She forced him to mature so much and showed him it was okay to want to be loved. How would he continue if she didn't? She reached her tiny hand out and he grasped it.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," he said with more emotion in his voice than ever before. She flashed him a big smile, just like the one he had the privilege of seeing for the past three years. As he looked at her, he could feel that strange prickling in his eyes that he thought he'd never feel again. "I love you so much, I always will. Never forget that."

"Don't be sad. Be strong."

Using the same words he often said to her and with one last grin, the beeping of the machine went flat. Her grip slackened but he only held on tighter.

_At least she still looks peaceful…_

He couldn't take his eyes off of her nor could he pull his hand away.

_No._

She couldn't be gone. Were his eyes deceiving him?

_No._

Now what was he suppose to do? Live happily when the two people who mattered most to him were gone?

_No._

But he had to. That much he knew.

This man, this man who rarely showed emotion…one tear escaped his eye, then another…every tear that had built up inside of him over the years fell. He gritted his teeth as the tears flowed silently. For once in his life he let the pain engulf him. Over the years, he learned what it was to love. Over the years, he learned what it was to hurt. First with his brother and now with the little girl. He shook his head. His crying had yet to cease. He had kept it locked inside for too long and now all of it was revealing itself. This was unfair. He cursed the world. He cursed everyone and everything for taking _his_ Rin, _his_ daughter…


End file.
